Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it
If each day is a gift, i’d like to know where I can return Mondays?
God made Adam first because he didn’t want any advice from Eve how to make Adam
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don’t let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Reality is frequently inaccurate.
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.
There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either of them
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
